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Well I Laughed.Lol
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An Irish mothers letter to her son
Dear Son
Just a line to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter to you very slowly as I know that you can't read fast.
About your father, he has got a lovely job now, he has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass in the cemetery.
You won't know the house when you come home, we have moved. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in , but it is not working well. Last week I put 4 shirts in it and pulled the chain, I haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning, I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. Last week your uncle Dick was drowned in a vat of Whisky in a Dublin distillery. Some of his pals dived in to try and remove him , but he fought them off bravely. We had him cremated, it took 3 days to put out the fire.
Your father did not drink much at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his beer, it kept him going until New Years Day.
I went to the doctors on Thursday, your father went with me. The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me to keep my mouth shut tightly for 10 minutes. Your father wanted to buy the tube from him. It only rained twice last week, the first time for 3 days and then for 4 days.
Did you hear the Gale Warnings on the wireless? It was so Windy here on Monday that one of our hens laid the same egg 4 times. We had a nasty letter from the undertaker who buried your grandmother, he said that if we do not pay the last instalment within 7 days ..,.,up she comes.
As you said you were feeling cold on the building site I am sending your winter overcoat. To save money on the postage, I have cut off those heavy brass buttons, you will find them in the top pocket.
Your loving Mother
P.S. I was going to send you £10 for a Christmas present, but then I remembered that I had already sealed the envelope.
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Two nuns were in a nursing home and one says to the other..'lets step outside for a smoke'... soon after they light up it begins to rain so one nun puts her hand in her pocket and pulls out a condom. The other says 'what in the world are you doing with that, so she makes a small hole in the end and pulls it over her cigarette saying it keeps her cigarette dry. The next day num two marches off to the shops and asks the guy behind the counter for a box of condoms. He looks at her oddly and says 'well... what kind' nun two says 'I don't really care as long as it fits over a camel'.
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THE REV HAROLD KNIGHT
THE RESCUE MISSION
195 ELLIOT ROAD, CAMBERWELL GREEN,
CAMBERWELL LONDON.WC I
Dear Philip
Perhaps you have heard of me and my national campaign, in the cause of temperance . Each year for the past fourteen, I have made a tour of Scotland, England and Wales, and have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drink and drugs. On this tour I have been accompanied by a young friend and assistant, by the name of Joseph Powell. Joe a young man of good family and excellent background, is a pathetic example of a life ruined by excessive Indulgence in whisky, pot and women.
Joe would appear with me at the lecture and sit on the platform, wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing wind and making obscene gestures, while I would point him out as an example of what drinking etc. can do to a person.
Last summer unfortunately Joe died. A mutual friend has given me your name and address and I wonder if you would care to take Joe's place, on my next tour ?
Yours in the faith
Rev Harold Knight
Rescue Mission
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Two men in a bar, one looks over at the other and notices that he has a head the size of an orange, he looks away, but, after a while, he cannot take his eyes off the man, and decides he has to find out more. Excuse me he says, I couldn’t help noticing your head, what happened. The stranger looks up, and smiles … Well, he says, I was on a cruise ship, heading across the Caribbean waters, when suddenly we were taking in water. Being a good swimmer, I leapt over the side, and aimed for a distant island, just making it against a strong tide. I crawled up the beach, shattered, and fell asleep. Next morning I awoke and took stock, wandering the island looking for food and life, when suddenly I came across a beautiful mermaid, sitting on a rock looking out to sea. When she saw me, she went wild, calling me to her, and thanking me a thousand times for rescuing her. I couldn’t say I’d been washed up, so I accepted her thanks. She insisted she repay my deed in finding her by granting me one wish. I looked at her, shimmering in the sun, and said, how about a shag? She apologised, pointing at her tail, and saying it was impossible. She then asked, anything else? So I said,
“ I suppose a little head’s out of the question?”
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Mixing your words up, can be a problem, the man said to his friend as they stood at the bar. Why just this morning, I was at the airport trying to buy some tickets, but as the lady serving me had enormous breasts, instead of saying “Two tickets to Pittsburgh please”, I actually said “Two pickets to Titsburgh”.
What a coincidences, said the man’s friend. This morning as I was having breakfast with my wife, I looked up at her and instead of saying “Excuse me darling, could you pass me the salt please”, I mistakenly said “You bitch, you’re ruining my f***ing life”
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this.
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Los Angeles police have raided Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch this afternoon . It is being reported that they found Class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his bathroom...and Class 4C in his bedroom.
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Q: What is odd about Micheal Jackson dangling a baby over a balcony?
A: He normally tosses them off
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What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other you carry your groceries in.
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"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, “You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what seems to be the problem?"
“I push them away!"
“I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"
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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, are working up the scaffolding on a building site, when the lunchtime whistle blows. Peeeeeeeep…..They each open their lunch boxes in turn. First the English looks in his sandwiches, ham, bloody ham, he says, if I get ham tomorrow, I’m going to jump off and kill myself. Next the Scotsman opens his. Chicken, oh no, not again! If I get chicken tomorrow, I’m going to jump off and kill myself. Lastly the Irishman opens his sandwiches, Jam effin’ jam, if I get jam again tomorrow, I’m gonna jump off and kill myself.
The next day dawns, and at lunchtime all three up on the scaffolding open their sandwiches. Englishman, ham, jumps off, Scotsman, chicken, jumps too, Irishman, jam and he jumps off too. The next week, at the funerals, all three wives are talking after. The Englishman’s wife says, if he’d have said he didn’t like ham, I’d have made something else. Scotsman wife…he’s been eating chicken all his life, why didn’t he say he didn’t like it. Irishman’s wife….I wouldn’t mind but he makes his own bloody sandwiches.
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