"Worst Of The Worst" - screenplay by Derek Paterson.
This is an excerpt from a completed screenplay.
"Worst Of The Worst" - screenplay by Derek Paterson.
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE NEWSPAPER SHOP - DAY
A clapped-out hatchback pulls up, out climbs DEL GALWAY, age
somewhere in the region of 30, physique somewhere in the
region of fat bastard. Del wears an anorac over a grubby
pair of white trousers. He enters the paper shop.
INT. NEWSPAPER SHOP - DAY
Del inspects the nudie magazines, taking a good look at all
of them, opening the centerfolds. He picks two and puts the
rest back but doesn't bother to tidy them.
Two 10-year-old boys enter, ANDY and DUGGIE. Duggie picks
some sweets and crisps. As Del turns round he bumps Duggie
and drops his magazines.
DEL
Oy, watch it, melon head.
Del picks up his magazines. Duggie rubs his shoulder.
DUGGIE
Fat bastard.
Del casually slaps him in the kisser with the magazines.
DEL
Oh dear, terribly sorry.
Del heads for the counter. Andy watches him, frowning.
A WOMAN SHOPPER with a basket arrives at the counter at the
same time as Del.
DEL
Age before beauty, my darling.
The Woman Shopper sees the magazines and gives Del a look.
DEL
I see your daughter's made the
centerfold again. Lovely girl.
The Woman Shopper tuts in disgust. The GIRL SHOP ASSISTANT
serves her next.
Andy leans an elbow on the counter and insolently looks Del
up and down. Del becomes aware of this scrutiny.
DEL
What are you looking at?
ANDY
Nothing much.
The Woman Shopper exits, it's Del's turn. The Girl Shop
Assistant scans Del's magazines without a word. Del slaps
down a tenner.
DEL
I hope I won't find you in there.
Del notices that Andy is still staring at him.
DEL
Naff off you cheeky little bugger.
ANDY
Take you any time, hard man.
Del opens his anorac with a flourish, as if he's about to
show Andy a gun or something. What he shows is the yellow
belt he wears around his beer gut. The white trousers are
from the crumpled karate uniform Del wears under his anorac.
DEL
You need to watch that mouth of yours,
sonny jim. It's writing cheques
your body can't cash.
ANDY
Yellow belt's nothing. Means you
can bend over without farting.
Del holds up his fist.
DEL
See this? Snap a plank of wood in
half, this.
ANDY
You couldn't snap knicker elastic
you fat shite.
GIRL SHOP ASSISTANT
Oy. Take it outside, the pair of
you.
She hands Del his change and a carrier bag with the mags.
DEL
I'll be thinking of you later.
GIRL SHOP ASSISTANT
Piss off, Galway. And take your
smut with you.
Del walks past Andy who deliberately trips him.
DEL
Right. You've had your warning.
Outside.
Del pushes Andy out the door. The Girl Shop Assistant and
Duggie stare in amazement.
DEL
He asked for it. You're both
witnesses.
EXT. SIDE ALLEY - DAY
Shop bins and an open skip. Del drops his carrier bag and
shrugs off his anorac but keeps hold of it. He faces Andy
who folds his arms, unimpressed.
DEL
You have insulted my yellow belt and
you have insulted my dojo.
ANDY
You don't have a real dojo. You use
the school gym.
DEL
It's a certified dojo, and you, my
little friend, are about to get your
arse kicked.
Andy executes a series of karate punches and kicks on the
spot, showing off.
ANDY
Come on then! Iron Fist Ninja Dojo
challenges Fat Wanker Dojo!
Del throws his anorac at Andy who tries to dodge, but Del
jumps forward and grabs him in a bear hug.
ANDY
Gerroff you big poof!
Del picks Andy up and with a superhuman effort heaves him
into the skip, keeping hold of his anorac. Andy completely
disappears.
Del doubles over to catch his breath. Yelling and banging
noises come from inside the skip. Del peeks over the edge.
It's filthy in there, Andy's swimming in some kind of
disgusting brown goo.
ANDY
Fat bastard!
Del realizes his mistake and offers Andy a hand. Andy climbs
out, he's covered in muck and nearly in tears.
DEL
Just remember. I could have killed
you with my bare hands. I chose not
to. There's no honour, see? There's
got to be honour between a student
of the martial arts, and his opponent.
And that, my friend, is closure.
Del shrugs on his anorac, picks up his carrier bag, and
swaggers back to his car, passing the Girl Shop Assistant
and Duggie who were watching from the street. They're both
gobsmacked.
INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY
A dozen or so KARATE STUDENTS warm up, they're all ages,
from young teens to pensioners. They windmill their arms,
stretch their waists, and do some kid-on spazzy sparring.
Del enters (without anorac) and nods, which is as close as
he ever comes to bowing. He sees his mate SAMMY, 20s, a
good-looking Indian lad whose uniform is dazzlingly white.
Sammy wears a purple belt, his practice moves are sharp.
DEL
Is Rambo not here yet?
SAMMY
He might be. We just can't see him.
He is one with the jungle.
A 70s Woman throws feeble punches at a smirking Teenage Boy
who retreats before her flying fists of fury.
DEL
Kick her in the colostomy bag,
Michael.
The 70s Woman glares at Del over her shoulder.
SAMMY
Dorothy's well fit. Bet she gives
her old man bendy toy sex on
Saturdays.
DEL
Lasts for hours, their wrinkles glue
them together like Velcro. I see
your mum's taking pride in your
appearance. You're like an ad for
biological washing powder.
SAMMY
She splashed some on my arm and my
skin turned white. Bloody scary.
DEL
Think of the shame you'd bring to
your family if you became white.
You'd be an outcast. Caught between
two cultures, belonging to neither.
SAMMY
As long as my dick doesn't shrink to
the size of a white man's, I'll be
all right.
DEL
We going for a pint or two after
this?
SAMMY
I'll give that idea the serious
consideration it deserves. Ey up,
it's Rambo.
FRANK REYNARD has entered the gym. A fanatic athlete with a
head like a polished artillery shell. His uniform is
immaculate, his black belt tied precisely. He stands to
rigid attention and bows to the gym, which is now a dojo.
The students bow to Frank. Frank strides to the front of
the class. The students line up.
FRANK
Galway. Front and center.
Del and Sammy glance at each other. Del trots forward.
FRANK
Stand at attention.
Del does. Frank circles Del, spooking him.
FRANK
Heard you got into a big fight on
the way here. Proud of yourself,
are you? Beating up some kid?
DEL
I never touched him. I just taught
the gobby little shite a lesson.
How did you know?
FRANK
That's my niece works in the paper
shop. What was it you said to her?
"I'll be thinking of you later."
What did you mean by that, exactly?
DEL
I was just being friendly. She's a
lovely girl.
FRANK
You know what you are, Galway?
DEL
Unreasonably gifted?
FRANK
You're a loser who thinks 'cause he
somehow wanked his way through a
couple of gradings, he deserves to
wear this uniform... and a belt that
looks as if it was tied by a monkey
on crystal meth.
DEL
I trained hard for this yellow belt.
I earned it.
FRANK
Trained hard? Why? So you could
wipe the floor with some kid?
DEL
Frank, you've got the wrong end of
the stick. He was dissing me. He
was dissing this dojo. You know
what those Iron Fist Ninja Dojo
wankers are like. They think they're
better than us.
FRANK
You will address me as sensei, not
Frank.
DEL
Yes Ffffffsensei.
FRANK
You will now demonstrate, to the
class, the sparring techniques you
used to defeat a frightened kid half
your size. I'll be your sparring
partner.
DEL
He said this isn't a proper dojo.
His insults were intolerable.
FRANK
Oh well, that makes it all right
then, doesn't it? Class will stand
to attention and observe.
The students stand to attention. Frank indicates Del should
move so they're facing each other, side-on to the students.
DEL
He said you're an ugly bastard.
Couldn't fight your way out of a
paper bag.
FRANK
Did he, now?
Frank bows to Del. Del sighs, no choice. He nods to Frank.
Frank's first punch snaps Del's head back, Del windmills his
arms, staggers back, lands on his arse.
Sammy winces and looks away. The 70s Woman grins.
INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY
Del sits on a bench looking miserable and bruised. He holds
a wet cloth to his bloody nose. Sammy enters and strips off
his uniform.
SAMMY
You had him on the run for a second
there. I saw fear in his eyes.
DEL
Naff off. What kind of instructor
beats up one of his own students? I
could have him in a court of law if
I wanted.
SAMMY
Good luck with that. Frank's a
copper, his brothers are coppers,
their dad's a copper, they shag other
coppers...
DEL
Yeah yeah, I get it.
SAMMY
It's a whole big copper thing, just
like the Masons. No, wait, they are
the Masons. You mess with the Masons,
they'll bury you alive in a stone
tomb. They've got the tools and
everything.
DEL
Give me a bit of sympathy here, will
you? You're supposed to be my mate.
Sammy chucks his jock strap at Del. Naked, Sammy runs into
the showers. Del sniffs at the jock strap.
DEL
Your jock strap smells like a dog's
bollocks!
--Just as the other male students come in. They try not to
laugh but it's impossible.
DEL
You lot can naff off too.
INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY
Later. Everyone's gone except Del and Sammy. Sammy finishes
dressing in street clothes. Del still wears his uniform,
he's taken off his yellow belt and cracks it like an imaginary
whip.
DEL
Take that, bitch. Oh, want some
more, do you? Beg me for it.
SAMMY
Why don't you wear clothes and change
into your uniform here?
DEL
They're all in the wash. And for
your information it's a "gi" not a
uniform.
SAMMY
Thank you Chuck Norris.
Frank enters. He nods to Sammy, glares at Del.
DEL
Frank, it was all a terrible
misunderstanding.
Frank ignores him, takes off his belt and uniform.
FRANK
I've got that application form for
the area competition. Needs to be
in by this Friday latest.
DEL
You want me to fight in the area
competition? Really?
Frank takes a form from his locker and gives it to Sammy.
FRANK
Zip that four-lane tunnel you call a
mouth, Galway.
(to Sammy)
You've got what it takes, Sammy.
You can make the areas no problem.
After that, the regionals.
SAMMY
You're kidding.
FRANK
Anyone can deliver take aways, Sammy.
Not everyone gets a crack at the
regionals. Del?
DEL
Yeah?
FRANK
Maybe you can sub for Sammy.
DEL
You mean be his backup if he gets
injured?
FRANK
I mean deliver take aways while he's
training, you git.
(to Sammy)
Think it over, Sammy. Fill out that
form if you're interested in being a
hero.
SAMMY
Okay.
DEL
If he says no can I go instead?
FRANK
In your dreams.
Frank is naked now, fit and muscular. Del looks him over
with admiration.
DEL
Frank, you've got a body like a Greek
god. I'd give anything to be you.
FRANK
Naff off Galway, and stop looking at
my arse.
Frank goes into the showers leaving his uniform folded on a
bench, the black belt sitting on top.
SAMMY
I need a drink, back in a sec.
Sammy exits leaving Del alone.
INT. WATER FOUNTAIN CORRIDOR - DAY
Sammy bends over a water fountain and takes a drink just as
PETULA marches by. She isn't your classic beauty but give
her time, she'll grow on you.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LOCKER ROOM - DAY
Petula looks around, sees the MALE CHANGING ROOM sign.
INT. WATER FOUNTAIN CORRIDOR - DAY
Sammy turns and finds himself staring up at BIG TOMMY, built
like a brick shithouse, cold-eyed, expressionless.
SAMMY
Can I help you?
Big Tommy just stares at Sammy. The corridor suddenly seems
lonely and dangerous. Big Tommy turns and walks away without
a word, leaving Sammy feeling unsettled.
INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY
Del looks up as Petula opens the door and looks inside.
DEL
Ladies is the other side, love.
PETULA
I'm looking for someone.
DEL
Who's the lucky bloke?
PETULA
Some bastard called Galway.
She says it as if she suspects Del might be the bastard she's
looking for. Del picks up Frank's black belt and flips it
casually over his shoulder as if it's his.
DEL
Galway... Oh, you mean Del Galway?
He's gone. Home.
PETULA
You know he goes around beating up
ten-year-old kids?
DEL
I heard all about it. Some little
bugger gave him lip.
PETULA
The bastard dumped my brother in a
skip, he came home covered from head
to foot in stinking shite.
DEL
That's exactly why I banned him. We
don't hold with grown men picking on
kids, even if they are little
gobshites. Del Galway brought
disrespect to our dojo. He's out.
Permanently.
PETULA
Oh. Well. That's good. Because
he's a wanker.
DEL
Total wanker. I'm Frank by the way.
Frank... Reynard.
Del offers his hand. Petula hesitates, unsure. Then she
takes it.
PETULA
Petula.
Del holds her hand and stares at her for long seconds.
Finally Petula pulls her hand free.
PETULA
Well, if that wanker Galway's not
here...
DEL
It was nice. Meeting you.
PETULA
Frank. You're the instructor here,
aren't you?
DEL
I am. I'm the instructor. The
sensei. Of the dojo. Frank Reynard.
Foxy Frank they call me. Reynard,
it's French. For fox.
PETULA
What happened to your face?
DEL
It's self-inficted. I spar with
heavy equipment. The great martial
arts philosopher Bruce Lee once said,
"A piece of wood doesn't hit back."
Except mine does. I hit it, and it
hits me. I'm training my body to
accept pain.
PETULA
So... how's that working out?
DEL
Very good actually. I don't feel
any of this.
Sammy enters and looks from Del to Petula, curious.
PETULA
Right, I'll... cheerio.
Sammy holds the door open for Petula, she exits.
SAMMY
Who's that?
DEL
She says she's Petula.
SAMMY
She looks peculiar to me. I bet
she's got a knife tucked down her
pants.
DEL
That just means she's prepared... to
eat fruit.
SAMMY
She dinged your bell, didn't she?
Bit of rough. Hasn't washed her
minge in days. Throw you on the
floor and sit on your face. Just
your type.
DEL
She came nowhere near my bell. Or
my face. And please don't talk so
crudely about a lady's private bits,
I'm easily offended.
Frank comes out of the showers. Del quickly puts Frank's
black belt back on his folded uniform.
DEL
Just keeping it dry for you, boss.
FRANK
Naff off.
DEL
Naffing off, boss.
Del puts on his anorac and exits with Sammy.
INT. CROWDED PUB - NIGHT
Del and Sammy drink pints of lager at the bar, Del's well
oiled, Sammy's not far behind. Del spies a PEROXIDE BLONDE
sitting further along the bar, apparently alone. She looks
good from a distance. Del points her out to Sammy.
DEL
Look at the arse on that.
SAMMY
I bet it's rubbed against a few walls
in its time.
DEL
Do you dare me?
SAMMY
Do I dare you what? No, no, no.
She'd eat you for breakfast.
DEL
That's the idea. After she eats me
for supper, and has a couple of
midnight snacks. Then breakfast.
Do you know a man's essence is filled
with vitamins?
SAMMY
Don't put me off my pint.
DEL
It's good for the complexion. Makes
a woman's skin glow. You can tell
them that like it. Her for instance.
It's written over her forehead.
SAMMY
What, "I Want Del's Sperm"?
DEL
Yeah. Underneath it's got, "Gallons
of it."
SAMMY
You'd need to nail a plank to your
arse in case you fell in.
Thunderbirds would have to get you
back out.
DEL
Wish me luck.
SAMMY
I'll give you three days. Then I'm
calling International Rescue.
Del shuffles along the bar, making a casual approach to the
Blonde. In DelVision (tm) she looks fantastic. In real
vision she's old enough to be his great-aunt, and she's known
lots of sailors.
DEL
Hello gorgeous. Have I seen you in
here before?
BLONDE
I stop by sometimes.
DEL
I come here too, if you know what I
mean.
BLONDE
I like a man with an anorac. You
don't see many nowadays.
DEL
I'll keep it on if you like.
BLONDE
Oh dear, my glass seems to be empty.
DEL
That's the last time you'll say that
tonight.
Del waves to attract the BARMAID's attention, she's a stunner,
but in DelVision she's so blurred he can't tell.
DEL
Get your lazy arse over here and
give this lady a drink. What'll you
have, love?
BLONDE
Double vodka and tonic, lots of ice.
DEL
Slow down, say that again, you lost
me. Ice.
BARMAID
Dee vee and tee, got it. What about
you, Romeo? And if you say "arse"
again I'll bar you.
DEL
I'll have a pint of curry. And you
can take it out of this, my good
woman.
Del scoops piles of change out of his anorac pockets,
littering the counter with coins, some spill onto the floor,
everyone in the bar turns and looks.
The embarrased Blonde sneaks off her stool and loses herself
in the crowd. Del looks round, realizes she's gone.
DEL
Bugger it, give us two pints of lager
instead.
The Barmaid goes to get the drinks, Sammy approaches and
pats Del consolingly on the shoulder.
SAMMY
Bad luck mate, never mind.
Del puts his head down on the counter and weeps.
DEL
Oh God. She could have been the
one. And I missed my chance. Where
am I going to find another woman
like her?
SAMMY
We could go home through the cemetery
if you like.
DEL
Sometimes I think I'm doomed to spend
my life alone.
SAMMY
No, listen, they do wonderful things
with dolls these days. The faces
look dead realistic. I know a bloke,
he fills his up with hot water.
Says she keeps him warm as toast all
night.
The Barmaid brings two pints, Del jerks upright with a couple
of coins stuck to his face, his woes forgotten.
DEL
Cheers Sammy.
SAMMY
Cheers Del.
The Barmaid glares at Del as she picks up enough change to
pay for the drinks.
Del peels a coin off his face and slides it across.
DEL
This is for you love. Buy yourself
a dry pair of knickers.
The Barmaid goes the cash register and rings it up.
SAMMY
What about her?
DEL
Jesus Sammy, I've got my pride you
know.
SAMMY
Sorry I asked.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE PUB - NIGHT
Del and Sammy stagger out, four sheets to the wind. Arms
around each other's shoulders they wander along the street.
DEL
Her back there... Blondie... she
didn't understand me. That was the
problem.
SAMMY
How could she? You're a complicated
man.
DEL
She didn't even say goodbye. The
slag.
SAMMY
Maybe she couldn't find the words.
DEL
How hard is it to say goodbye? Good.
Bye. String them together.
SAMMY
Never mind. Her crap taste in men
is my good fortune.
DEL
Thank you Sammy, it's kind of you to
say so. I'm filling up here, I am.
We must go now to the temple of curry,
and there we must worship.
SAMMY
Ugh. If I eat another curry I'll
throw up.
DEL
It's hard to believe. You're Indian,
from the country of the Indians, but
you fail to understand the metaffff...
the metaphysical relationship between
curry and lager. It's like, it's
like tuna and mayonnaise. You ever
eaten a whole jar of mayonnaise,
just on its own, with a spoon?
SAMMY
What mad bastard would eat a jar of
mayo?
DEL
I was young. I was wild. I was
hungry. I've never been so sick in
my life. But, here's the thing.
You mix mayonnaise with tuna...
correct proportions, mind, not too
thick, not too thin... and put it on
stale white bread... you have
sandwiches to die for. Why is that?
Why do some things just go together?
It's one of life's mysteries. Me,
I'm a can of tuna. Sitting on the
shelf in some shop, waiting for a
jar of mayonnaise to come along.
SAMMY
You're more like ten pints of lager
waiting for a curry.
DEL
Thank you. I knew there was a point
to this.
SAMMY
Know what I fancy? Pie and chips
with lashings of brown sauce.
DEL
Then that is what you shall have.
Tonight we eat like kings.
They come across a TEEN GIRL hopelessly pulling at her
BOYFRIEND who sits with his back against a wall and his head
bowed, the victim of a serious drinking binge. The Teen
Girl notices Del's white trousers.
TEEN GIRL
Are you a doctor?
DEL
I could have been.
TEEN GIRL
Can you help me get him up?
Del kicks the Boyfriend's leg.
DEL
Get up you drunk bastard.
The Boyfriend stirs. Between the three of them they heave
him to his feet.
TEEN GIRL
You're wonderful, you know that?
DEL
I'm a can of tuna. It's my job.
Del and Sammy stagger one way, the Teen Girl and her Boyfriend
stagger the other way.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHIP SHOP - NIGHT
Del and Sammy arrive. There's a handful of customers inside.
DEL
Don't forget the brown sauce.
SAMMY
Lashings of it.
DEL
Right. I'll see you round the corner.
SAMMY
Aren't you going to wait for me?
DEL
To be perfectly honest, I need to
take a piss.
SAMMY
You're shy. It's 'cause you've only
got a little one, isn't it?
Sammy wiggles his pinky.
DEL
No, it's 'cause I don't want to piss
over your legs.
SAMMY
You're always thinking of me. That's
what makes you a good mate.
Sammy heads into the chip shop. Del staggers off.
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
Del undoes his trouser string, gets out Little Del and pisses
against the wall. He closes his eyes and sighs with relief
as steam rises around him.
EXT. CHIP SHOP ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Sammy steps aside to allow THREE CUSTOMERS to exit. There's
slight body contact, hardly worth mentioning.
SAMMY
Sorry mate.
If Sammy was to look up he'd see Big Tommy sneering down at
him but he's too pissed.
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
SHOUTING and CURSING snaps Del out of his trance. He fumbles
to tie his trousers as he stumbles out of the alley.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHIP SHOP - NIGHT
Three yobs are kicking the shit out of Sammy who lies on the
ground curled up, trying to protect himself. Big Tommy's
one of them but his back's to Del.
Del sees what's happening and stops dead. Torn between
helping his mate and doing a runner.
The yobs run off, laughing. Sammy isn't moving.
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA - NIGHT
Del sits with his head in his hands, worried out of his mind.
A NURSE arrives.
NURSE
Are you with Samir Rashat?
DEL
Yeah. He's my twin brother.
NURSE
Doctor says you can see him now.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
Sammy lies in bed, bandages round his hands, a cotton pad
taped over one eye. His other eye is closed as if he's
asleep. Del freezes in the doorway. He takes a deep breath.
He turns away to leave, but Sammy's eye opens.
SAMMY
Del?
DEL
I'm here Sammy.
Del pulls up a chair and sits. He's gutted by the state
Sammy's in.
SAMMY
Tell my mum not to worry.
DEL
Okay.
SAMMY
Did you get your curry?
DEL
No I bloody well didn't, you slag.
SAMMY
Sorry mate.
DEL
That's one you owe me.
SAMMY
It was surreal. I was trying to
block them but... everything was in
slow motion. They just kept kicking
me. I'm gonna go to sleep now.
DEL
I'll drop by tomorrow.
SAMMY
Okay. See ya. Wouldn't want to be
ya.
Sammy closes his eye and goes to sleep. Del sits watching
him. He looks away and wipes his eyes with his anorac sleeve.
EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT & TAKE AWAY - DAY
Sandwiched between a laundromat and an Oxfam shop.
INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT - DAY
The door chime dings as Del enters, it's too early for
customers, SAMMY'S MOTHER is vacuuming the carpet. She
doesn't stop, Del has to shout above the noise.
DEL
How do Mrs. Rashat, how's our boy?
SAMMY'S MOTHER
He looks like shit.
DEL
Okay if I go up and see him?
SAMMY'S MOTHER
I suppose if you must. See if you
can make him eat something.
DEL
I'll try, but you know how fussy he
is.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
That's because he hangs around with
bad influences like you.
DEL
Yes, yes he does, for which I cannot
apologize enough.
Del goes through the back and upstairs.
INT. SAMMY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Sammy's sitting up in bed, looking better, wearing an eye
patch, no bandages on his hands. Del opens the door and
sticks his head in.
DEL
Stop wanking immediately.
SAMMY
Del, you've got to get me out of
here, she's driving me barmy. She's
up every five minutes trying to get
me to mainline on curry powder.
DEL
Your saviour has arrived.
Del takes a packet of chicken mayo sandwiches from his anorac
pocket and tosses it to Sammy, who tries to catch it but
fumbles.
DEL
Sorry. How's the hands?
SAMMY
Not bad. Knuckles are bruised, that's
all. Do us a favour will you?
Sammy offers the sandwich packet to Del. Del sits on the
bed, tears the packet open and gives Sammy a sandwich. Sammy
eats with gusto.
SAMMY
Thanks mate.
Del tries to hide how much this affects him. He takes a
folded nudie magazine from inside his anorac.
DEL
Thought you might need this.
Sammy gives him a wary look.
DEL
It's clean. I haven't used it.
They're all virgins.
SAMMY
Great.
Sammy slips the magazine under the sheets.
DEL
I looked for one with Indian virgins
but I couldn't find any.
SAMMY
Neither can my mum, thank God. Though
it's not for want of trying. So
how's it going?
DEL
Can't complain.
SAMMY
What are you up to?
DEL
This and that.
SAMMY
Sitting on your fat arse all day
watching telly.
DEL
I'm sorry, don't you like your
sandwiches?
SAMMY
They're delicious. Wonderful. Got
anything to drink?
Del produces an orange juice pouch and sticks the sharp
plastic straw into it. He gives it to Sammy who takes a
long suck.
SAMMY
I love you, in a fully-clothed manly
man way.
DEL
I should think so too. Your mum was
almost nice to me, what's that all
about?
SAMMY
I said you'd help with the home
deliveries till I'm feeling better.
DEL
What's in it for me?
SAMMY
She knows you like a curry. She's
prepared to offer you our famous
"all you can eat" deal.
DEL
Whoa! When "all you can eat" goes
head to head with Del "fat bastard"
Galway, only one can survive.
SAMMY
I warned her it could make a dent in
the profits. She said she'd risk
it. You up for it then?
Del steers an imaginary steering wheel.
DEL
Do I get to drive the van, mister?
INT. DELIVERY VAN (MOVING) - CITY STREETS - NIGHT
Del drives to stirring Robocop-like music.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - HOUSE - NIGHT
Del knocks on the door, a MAN comes out, he carefully counts
coins into Del's hand. The Man goes inside with his take
away and slams the door.
DEL
No tip, then?
EXT. FLATS SECURITY ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Del leans down to talk into an intercom.
DEL
Your delicious curry is here.
The door buzzer sounds, Del enters.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - HOUSE #2 - NIGHT
Del rings the doorbell. A huge dog BARKS inside.
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Get back, Satan! Get back! Bloody
bastard dog!
The BARKING becomes louder as the letter box opens and fingers
come through offering money.
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Just leave the bags on the door
handle, son! Keep the change!
DEL
Right you are mate!
Del takes the money, hooks the bags over the handle, and
runs for it.
EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT & TAKE AWAY - DAY
The delivery van pulls up.
INT. INDIAN TAKE AWAY - DAY
Del lifts a big plastic cool box onto the counter.
DEL
That's me back, Mrs. Rashat.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Did you enjoy your nap?
Del hands her a wad of notes and a bag of change.
DEL
To be fair, Mrs. Rashat, six
deliveries in thirty minutes is fair
do's.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Samir would have done twice as many
in half the time.
DEL
He's a son to be proud of and no
mistake.
Del watches as she fills the cool box with numbered styrofoam
containers and tubs, then lifts a dozen carrier bags with
pita bread and crackers and stuff, all numbered, onto the
counter.
DEL
How many is that?!
SAMMY'S MOTHER
I'll give you a clue, this one says
"fifteen."
She gives Del a sheet of paper.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Here's the addresses. Don't get
them mixed up, and don't get lost.
DEL
I'll try not to. No guarantees.
All those streets join up and go
round and round. Bloody hell, not a
tower block.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Use the lift.
DEL
People pee in those things you know.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Don't use the lift then. You could
do with the exercise.
DEL
Thank you.
She holds the door open, Del exits laden like a packhorse.
EXT. TOWER BLOCK - NIGHT
The delivery van pulls up at the entrance.
INT. TOWER BLOCK ENTRANCE AND LIFTS - NIGHT
Del enters with a take away bag. He sees a hand-written
sign taped to the lift door, "LIFT OUT OF ORDER"
Del rolls his eyes and groans. He heads for the stairs.
INT. TOWER BLOCK - STAIRWAY - NIGHT
Del staggers upstairs, sweating and gasping for breath.
INT. TOWER BLOCK LANDING / HALLWAY - NIGHT
Del leans on the rail, catching his breath. He opens the
landing door. A WOMAN with her young BOY are just leaving
their flat.
DEL
Is this the seventh floor?
WOMAN IN FLATS
Fifth.
DEL
Thanks.
Del struggles up the next flight of stairs. The Woman and
Boy watch, fascinated.
WOMAN IN FLATS
Did you stick that bloody sign on
the lift doors again?
BOY IN FLATS
Yeah.
She smacks his head. They walk to the lift door. She presses
the down arrow. DING, the door slides open, the lift is
working OK.
INT. TOWER BLOCK - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Del leans against the wall, trying to get his breath back.
He knocks on a door. A gorgeous woman, NATASHA, 40s, wearing
a silk gown and made up like a dish of fish, answers. Del
straightens, trying to impress.
DEL
Well... hello there. Somebody order
a curry then?
NATASHA
Where's Sammy?
DEL
Enjoying a long ocean voyage.
NATASHA
Oh. I didn't know Sammy liked
cruises.
DEL
It's his Viking blood, it calls to
him from across the sea.
NATASHA
So you're doing his deliveries.
DEL
Just till he sails back to port.
NATASHA
Well, thanks very much.
She takes the bag from Del and goes to close the door.
DEL
Excuse me. I realize it's rude to
speak of such lowly matters as money,
but that's fourteen-thirty, s'il
vous plait.
NATASHA
Sorry?
DEL
As in fourteen pounds and thirty
pence. Including delivery.
NATASHA
Well here's the thing...
She looks up and down the hallway as if afraid someone might
hear.
NATASHA
Sammy and me, we have sort of an
arrangement, you could say.
DEL
Do go on.
NATASHA
It's a personal arrangement. If you
see what I mean.
DEL
I'm beginning to.
NATASHA
I don't usually order on Tuesdays.
But me old man's caught a double
shift. And I thought Sammy might...
you know...
DEL
That crafty beggar. He never said a
word.
NATASHA
Sammy knows how to keep a secret.
I'm hoping you do, too.
DEL
My lips are sealed.
NATASHA
Just between the two of us then.
DEL
Absolutely.
NATASHA
It gets lonely up here, you know.
When I'm all on my own.
DEL
Funny that, isn't it? We live in a
city filled with a seething mass of
humanity, yet inevitably we become
isolated and lonely, each of us in
our own little castle.
NATASHA
You understand.
DEL
Yes, yes I do. More than you might
think.
NATASHA
I don't want to appear forward or
anything.
Her gown slides open, she reveals a gleaming shapely leg.
DEL
I see you wax regularly.
NATASHA
Maybe you'd like to come in and share
my curry with me?
DEL
Nothing I'd like better, love.
There's just the little problem of
Sammy's mum bending me over and
pulling fourteen pounds thirty out
of my arsehole. I go back there and
the cash doesn't tally, it's more
than my life's worth.
She pulls her gown shut.
NATASHA
Oh. Well. If that's how you feel.
Wait here, I'll get my purse.
She goes inside leaving the door open. Del looks to the
heavens and groans.
INT. DELIVERY VAN (MOVING) - CITY STREETS - NIGHT
Del drives while glancing at the address list and looking at
street signs.
EXT. TERRACE STREET - NIGHT
The delivery van pulls in. Del climbs out with two bags.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - TERRACE HOUSE - NIGHT
Del knocks on the door. The hall light comes on inside.
Andy, the kid Del dumped in the skip, opens the door.
Quick as a flash Del lifts the carrier bags to hide his face,
and puts on a voice.
DEL
Take away, that's nineteen-ninety.
Andy takes the bags without looking, turns and shouts into
the house.
ANDY
Petula! Money for the take away!
PETULA (O.S.)
It's on the hall table!
Andy goes to the table, picks up two tenners, hands them to
Del who hides his face in shadow.
ANDY
Nineteen-ninety, here's twenty quid,
you can keep the change.
Andy closes the door.
Del can't believe it, he lets out a huge sigh of relief.
INT. TERRACE HOUSE HALLWAY - NIGHT
Andy walks away from the front door. He stops in mid-step
and goes wide-eyed as realization hits him. IT'S HIM!
EXT. TERRACE STREET - DELIVERY VAN - NIGHT
Del scrambles into the driver's seat and floors it, zooming
away in a cloud of exhaust fumes.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - TERRACE HOUSE - NIGHT
Andy and Petula lean out and look up and down the street.
PETULA
Bollocks, you're having me on.
ANDY
I'm telling you it was him!
PETULA'S DAD (O.S.)
Where's my bloody vindaloo? I'm
starving here!
PETULA
Coming, dad!
Petula goes inside. Andy frowns and shuts the door.
EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT & TAKE AWAY - NIGHT
The delivery van sits outside.
INT. INDIAN TAKE AWAY - NIGHT
Del enters.
DEL
I'm back Mrs. Rashat.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Oh my prayers have been answered.
Del hands her the cash and the empty cool box.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
People must know you're doing the
deliveries, they've stopped calling.
DEL
That's a bit unfair.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
It gets like that sometimes. The
lull before the monsoon. Then the
phone rings and we're swamped. Take
it easy while you can.
DEL
Okay if I go up and talk to Sammy?
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Yeah why not. But don't bother him
if he's tired. What's that in your
coat pocket?
DEL
Sandwich, in case I get hungry.
Don't want to eat the take aways, do
I?
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Very sensible. Last thing you'd
ever do.
INT. SAMMY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Sammy's sitting up in bed watching T.V. Del knocks the door
and looks in.
DEL
How's the invalid?
SAMMY
I'm okay. Bit hungry.
Del takes out his "sandwich" -- a thick bundle wrapped in
paper. Sammy grins and unwraps it, it's a fish supper. He
gets tucked in.
SAMMY
Marry me, Del. Have my babies.
DEL
I shudder to think what they'd look
like. What's that Star Trek episode,
the aliens are white on one side of
their face and black on the other?
SAMMY
Yeah I remember that, whoever was
white on the left side was the
dominatrix. The other one was his
bitch. I've got the digitally
remastered DVD, you can't see their
girdles any more.
DEL
Blasphemy.
SAMMY
I wanted to be the first Indian crew
member, but they brought in that
bald bird.
DEL
Her with the mental orgasms. She
gave the crew their daily screw upon
the kitchen table.
SAMMY
I would have ended up a red shirt
anyway. Ten seconds in front of the
camera before some alien ripped me
up for arse paper. You know, I've
had some fish suppers in my time but
this one wins prizes.
DEL
I kept it warm on the way here by
farting like a wind tunnel.
SAMMY
Now that you mention it, I am tasting
cheese and onion. Brilliant.
DEL
So who's this bit of crumpet on the
seventh floor of Gladstone Towers?
Sammy coughs and splutters. Del takes a beer can from his
pocket and pulls the ring, gives it to Sammy who drinks
gratefully.
SAMMY
Bastard. Trying to kill me.
DEL
I just asked a simple question.
Seemed like a nice girl. Very
disappointed when she opened the
door and saw me standing there.
SAMMY
She doesn't order on Tuesdays.
DEL
Said something about her old man
pulling a double shift.
SAMMY
Buggeration.
DEL
Never mind, she's got a curry to
keep her warm. And don't worry, I'm
saying nowt.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
(entering)
Saying nowt about what? Samir, what
are you eating?
SAMMY
Del offered me a chip, that's all.
Sammy passes the fish supper back to Del.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Fish and chips! I'll never get that
stink out of the house!
DEL
Sorry Mrs. Rashat.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
So you should be. You'll be happy
to know the takings add up.
DEL
You know, I thought about doing a
runner and living the high life in
Spain. But only for a moment.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
I would hunt you down like a dog.
DEL
No more than I'd deserve.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
If that's beer you're drinking I'm
going to be very disappointed.
DEL
Non-alcoholic, Mrs. Rashat.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
Open the window, I don't want that
fish smell clinging to the curtains.
She exits. Del rolls his eyes and pretends to faint.
SAMMY
She gone?
Del listens at the door.
DEL
Yeah.
Sammy grabs the fish supper and eats.
DEL
How long's it been going on for?
SAMMY
A while.
DEL
Were you planning on telling me?
SAMMY
I wanted to. One wrong word could
bring the wrath of God down on my
head. She's got ears like an
elephant.
DEL
Is it serious?
SAMMY
It is for me.
DEL
So how does that work? She divorces
her old man, moves in with you?
SAMMY
I haven't worked out the details
yet. I thought we'd get a flat
somewhere.
DEL
You're welcome to stay at mine.
SAMMY
You live in a cupboard.
DEL
It's not too bad, as long as you
don't mind sleeping standing up.
SAMMY
Thanks, but we need our own place.
DEL
Has she said yes?
SAMMY
I haven't asked yet. You think she
will?
DEL
A lifetime supply of curries could
swing it.
SAMMY
You don't think she will.
DEL
I don't think anything yet, I only
found out about her tonight. We
exchanged six words, three of which
were, "Here's your curry." You never
know, it might work out.
SAMMY
I've seen films like this before. I
laughed at them. The son who falls
in love with the older married woman.
The disapproving mother. They always
end in tragedy.
DEL
At least there's lots of singing and
dancing along the way.
SAMMY
I've been saving.
DEL
Go on, show us your jam jar full of
pennies.
SAMMY
I was thinking about buying a ring.
DEL
Bloody hell. So this dolly bird
means something to you.
SAMMY
She's not a dolly bird, her name's
Natasha and if you say anything I'll
stick this dead fish down your throat.
DEL
Natasha. What a lovely name. She's
not a Russian mail order bride is
she? No, wait, I'm kidding! I think.
Is she?
SAMMY
No.
DEL
So what do you know about her old
man, besides him working shifts?
SAMMY
They've been married five years and
he doesn't understand her.
DEL
That goes without saying. What I
want to know is, is the bugger twice
your size and can he punch your lights
out?
SAMMY
I'd like to see him try.
DEL
I'm glad you said that, he's waiting
outside with a couple of his mates,
very keen to meet you. Which is my
funny-ha-ha way of saying, what if
he finds out you're sniffing round
his missus?
SAMMY
By the time he catches on, it'll be
too late.
DEL
I'm only going to say this once.
Are you one hundred percent sure
you're not off your flaming rocker?
SAMMY
I'm not asking for your bloody
approval.
DEL
That's tough shit because I approve
of everything you do, Sammy. You
remember when I first got here? I
was seven years old, scared out of
my wits, didn't know anyone. That
old witch of a teacher dragged me
into the classroom and plonked me
down in the back row beside this
coloured lad with big white teeth
who said, "You can share my book if
you like, I'm Sammy."
SAMMY
You sure that was me?
DEL
'Course I'm bloody sure. It's
imprinted right here in my head.
I'll never forget that day. Everyone
looked at me as if I had antlers.
But you didn't. You extended the
hand of unconditional friendship,
and asked for nothing in return.
It's been the same ever since. Mates.
Blood brothers.
SAMMY
I had my eye on your Kit-Kat.
DEL
Bastard. Our friendship is built on
lies and deception. We're finished,
you hear me, finished.
SAMMY
So you're not getting on at me?
DEL
Sammy my boy, if you've got your
sights set on Natasha, that's okay
by me. Just, you know, watch what
you're doing. Try not to get too
involved. Until you know for sure.
SAMMY
You're a sack of wriggling optimism,
you are. You know what, I'm feeling
better. It's that fish supper.
It's built me up.
DEL
No you can't go and see her. She'll
be farting curry gas all night anyway.
SAMMY
Nah, I'll just hang about downstairs,
see if I can help.
SAMMY'S MOTHER
(entering)
You're staying in your bed until I
say you can get up. Del, some more
deliveries ready to go.
DEL
Be right with you, Mrs. Rashat.
She exits.
DEL
Bloody hell, does that woman ever
knock?
SAMMY'S MOTHER (O.S.)
I heard that.
DEL
I think it's wonderful that you care
so much, Mrs. R.
SAMMY'S MOTHER (O.S.)
Just open that bloody window, will
you?
SAMMY
Like an elephant.
INT. LOCKER ROOM / SHOWER ROOM - DAY
Del is hanging up his anorac when Frank enters. Frank opens
a locker and undresses, changing into his uniform.
FRANK
How's Sammy?
DEL
Well on the mend. I think he'd be
here tonight if his mum didn't have
him chained to his bed.
FRANK
You see who it was that gave him a
doing?
DEL
I got there just as they ran off.
Didn't see their faces.
FRANK
Both of you were pissed out your
heads, I take it?
DEL
We'd had a couple.
FRANK
A couple. You were so rat-arsed you
couldn't help your mate when he was
jumped by yobs.
DEL
You know what? You can naff off.
FRANK
Say that again.
DEL
Which part did you miss? "You know
what" or "You can naff off"?
FRANK
Are you looking for another sparring
match, Galway? 'Cause I'm ready for
a rematch any time.
DEL
Is that why you started this dojo
up, Frank? So you can slap fat
bastards around and make yourself
look hard as nails? If it makes you
feel better, stick one on me. Go
on, take your best shot.
FRANK
Christ Galway, is there something
wrong with your head?
DEL
Sammy got a beating and I didn't.
That pisses you off, doesn't it?
FRANK
I didn't say that.
DEL
But you're thinking it.
FRANK
It pisses me off that you got Sammy
so drunk he couldn't handle himself.
DEL
Yeah that's right, I forced drink
down his throat.
FRANK
Stop talking bollocks. Just get out
there and start warming up.
Del exits. Frank slams his locker door shut and shakes his
head.
INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY
Frank kneels facing the line of kneeling students. He bows
to the students and they bow back.
Frank stands with feet apart and hands on hips, rotating his
hips. The students copy his movements.
Frank does knee-ups, raising one knee then the other as high
as his chest. The students try to copy him but most can
hardly raise their knees above their waists.
Del goes at it like a madman, throwing his knees up higher
and higher.
Frank does press-ups on his knuckles. The students have
trouble copying him, some just can't do it and flop onto the
floor.
Del's sweating like a bastard but he bares his teeth as he
struggles to complete each press-up with shaking arms.
Frank sits on the floor bending forward over his outstretched
leg, grabbing his own foot. Most of the students struggle
to reach below their knees.
Del forces himself further forward... he blinks sweat out of
his eyes... stretches past his knee... inch by agonizing
inch... determined to reach his foot.
The students stand at attention, breathing hard, sweating,
knackered. Frank walks up and down, inspecting them.
FRANK
Some nutter walks up to you in the
street and punches you. You'll be
shitting yourself so much you'll
feel just like you do now. Tired.
Trembling. Weak.
Frank reaches Del and throws a punch, stopping his fist an
inch from Del's face. Del doesn't even blink, he stares at
Frank with cold eyes. Frank frowns and steps back.
FRANK
You must learn to react to danger
despite how you feel, regardless of
what you're thinking. I'm here to
train your reactions so they become
automatic. Three double punches.
Frank and the students punch together, left-right, left-right,
left-right.
FRANK
Again!
Left-right, left-right, left-right.
FRANK
Again, faster, more power!
Left-right, left-right, left-right. Del puts everything he
has into it, grunting with each punch.
FRANK
Someone's had his Wheatabix. Forget
it, Galway. You think a sudden spurt
is going to make me put your name
forward for the area championships,
you're living in a dream world.
Double punch, front kick, side kick
combination!
The students obey, Frank retreats before them, watching
everyone. Del punches left-right, front kicks, then twists
his body to deliver a side kick, but slips and falls on his
arse. The other students snigger.
Del, lying on the floor, stares into space. But his eyes
are hard, filled with cold determination.
9/07
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