Birthmother and Adoptee Coping

Birthmother and Adoptee Coping

We who have been affected by adoption need to make a special effort to maintain good mental health. On the right side of this page are books to help us understand and cope with our emotional life, and to help us improve our relationships. Adoption-related books are listed on the left side of the page.

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Background

~Origins: Upper Midwest

~Mom of four -- one relinquished to Catholic Charities, searched for, and found.

~Grandmother of five (now providing daycare for grandsons, ages two and four).

~Healthcare background with psychology degree and education degree.

~Writer; author of several books.

Excerpt

Furthermore, his handwriting seemed out of this world--I loved it. And I loved the fact that he wished me a "Happy Mother's Day." But, at the same time, I felt a twinge of surprise and disappointment that he didn't enclose a letter. The time was ripe. It was time for a telephone call.

The above excerpt is from the book: Search for Paul David (by Pauline A. Evans)

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"Happiness is in inverse proportion to our expectations." Thomas Carlyle

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Anger

One adoptee stated that she didn't need to be healed; her parents had healed her by adopting her! The woman who gave birth to her was an unwilling incubator (the adoptee said). After all, the woman did give her child away. Why would she want to meet the unwilling incubator?

For many people, adoption has generated much anger. Birthmothers and adoptees may have much unexpressed anger. It is helpful to know if and when you're angry -- to be in touch with your feelings. That way, anger won't jump out and surprise you, overwhelming you and causing you to hurt people (and hurt yourself). It's a good idea to work on your anger before reunion; talk to people who will understand what your anger is about. Dr. Theodore Rubin believes unexpressed anger can be toxic. If we hold back too much, that is certainly true! However, if we constantly express our angry feelings, that can be toxic as well. (Some people hold back too little, making anger a habit, but not making them feel better.) One important question is, can the other person handle our anger? If the answer is no (if our relationship is fragile), we need to direct our anger in a different way -- possibly by writing an angry letter that we don't mail, or shouting our anger into a tape recorder. Physical activity and meditation may help, too.

In The Language of Feelings, David Viscott states that depression is pain in the past, anxiety is pain in the future, and anger is pain in the present. Perhaps that statement helps us to understand how several emotional states may be tied together, and how one emotional state may be transformed into another emotional state (for example, anger transformed into anxiety or depression).

Anger is a powerful emotion that needs to be understood. In relationships, take a good look at where your anger is coming from. Did the other person say or do something that caused us to have hurt feelings? We may be so overcome with anger that we fail to acknowledge our initial feeling of hurt. Why? Maybe, acknowledging hurt makes us feel too vulnerable! However, acknowledging hurt can improve our emotional health. Such acknowledgement contributes greatly to an understanding of self. Adoption search and reunion requires an effort to understand ourselves as well as an effort to understand others. If we recognize the hurt feeling, we can ask ourselves the question: What needs to be done to heal this hurt?

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DOCTORS WHO RAPE: MALPRACTICE AND MISOGYNY (by Pauline Trumpi)

This book is about rape, pregnancy, the legal system, and child relinquishment.

(Book Review)

Pauline Trumpi tells us how she was drugged, raped and inseminated by a trusted psychiatrist who evaded significant punishment through the complicity of the organizations set up to protect us from bad people. As part of her own recovery, Ms. Trumpi has assembled a wide range of information about doctors who violate both their patients and the Hippocratic Oath that has been the basic contract for our safety in their hands. What started as her humiliation at the hands of a doctor became first a victim's rage and now a survivor's manual of use to us all.

Donald L. Nathanson, M.D., Executive Director, The Silvan S. Tomkins Institute; Clinical Professor of Psychiatry & Human Behavior, Jefferson Medical College; Editor of Knowing Feeling: Affect, Script, and Psychotherapy

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Dialogue

Relinquishment and adoption search will elicit assorted responses from those you talk to. The following comments were uttered by various people, i.e., all actually happened except one. (The one comment contains empathic statements; it's an ideal version of what people would say if they were capable of empathy.) Certainly, you will not hear all of the comments listed, but possibly you will hear one or more of them. (Be prepared.)

Comment: I know that I could never give a child up for adoption!

Answer: Are you comparing yourself with me? You never had to face my situation! Lucky you. Therefore, you can�t be sure of what you would�ve done!

Comment: (Responding to a birthmother's feelings about loss) A mother isn�t attached to a child at birth�If a child dies at age three, now that is a loss because you�ve become attached to it and the child has a personality; but you haven�t become attached to a child at birth!

Answer: Well, don�t be dogmatic about something you haven�t experienced. And remember this: A birthmother doesn�t lose a potential child; she loses her child.

Comment: The baby went to adoptive parents who really love him!

Answer: What makes you so sure? Some parents adopt for the wrong reasons; some are not good parents. How do you know the birthmother wouldn�t have loved him just as much? Do you realize most birthmothers were given neither proper counseling nor moral support?

Comment: Even if I were young and poor, I would find a way to keep the baby.

Answer: Yes! Some have been able to do this because they�ve had moral support to do so. Most birthmothers of the 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s were treated with indifference, or far worse. No support!

Comment: Any animal can give birth; but that doesn�t make her a mother.

Answer: In many ways, birthmothers and their babies were treated like animals! Social workers responded to an unwed, pregnant woman as though relinquishment was similar to giving away a puppy. Social workers did not explain options other than relinquishment (did not even mention options). Part of the blame can be placed on a society that did not want single mothers taking some tax dollars when there were many childless couples with money who could "relieve" taxpayers by adopting the "illegitimate" children. This created a "supply and demand" phenomenon; however, the demand exceeded the supply because there were so many couples who could not have children of their own.

Comment: Adoption was your choice, I mean, you chose adoption.

Answer: Oh, did I? Having a choice means there is more than one thing from which to choose. For example: "You can choose adoption. Or you can choose to parent your baby...and we will give you information and resouces to help you do that. We will help you. We will advise those close to you how they can help you." Birthmothers were only counseled to "choose" adoption; since no other options were discussed, one cannot truthfully call that a choice. One cannot truthfully say the birthmother "chose."

Comment: You did go to an adoption agency. How did that happen?

Answer: Usually a doctor, minister, priest, or some other authority figure (a district attorney, in my case) told the pregnant female to go to the adoption agency. In many cases, parents took her to the agency. So, you see, there was pressure from the get-go.

Comment: You were a victim of circumstances.

Answer: Yes, thank you for acknowledging the power of circumstances. But circumstances alone did not create the problems! The worst pain is that many birthmothers were victimized by other human beings. According to experts in mental health, trauma is more difficult to resolve when intentional actions by one or more persons caused or facilitated the trauma. An example of trauma not facilitated by people: An earthquake. (Most examples are not that clearcut.)

Comment: I�m sure this would not have affected a person who�s not as sensitive as you are. (You might hear this comment from an adoptive mother, as well as others.)

Answer: Oh, so the problem is me? Please be informed that research shows most birthmothers have been affected.

Comment: Oh, but I had a roommate who gave up a child�it didn�t bother her at all! [So what�s the big deal?] (You are likely to hear the preceding statement from a career woman without children, as well as others.)

Answer: And the earth is square, too.

Comment: I wouldn�t touch that [your story of pregnancy and relinquishment] with a ten-foot pole!

Answer: Why does my revelation frighten you? What prevents you from validating my experience?

Comment: Giving up a child is the most loving thing a person can do.

Answer: Not toward oneself! Relinquishment causes a loss of self-love and self-esteem in the birthmother (perhaps partly based on guilt). Many adoptees are angry they were given up. Can one truthfully say adoption is the most loving thing when adoption causes low self-esteem and anger? In terms of mental health, the loss to society is great. Though many survivors of adoption do accomplish things, they do not achieve their full potential. Why? Much energy is directed toward dealing with the energy-sapping emotions created by adoption.

Comment: Adoption is wonderful! Adoptive parents are wonderful.

Answer: Adoption is wonderful�if you�re on the receiving end. Adoptive parents gain�birthmothers lose. Adoptees often feel a sense of loss. In the past, adoptees weren�t given the right to express this� because society told them �adoption is wonderful.� Society told adoptees that they gained�and should be grateful.

Comment: I had pregnant, unmarried girls stay in my home�they were lucky I put a roof over their heads.

Answer: Many birthmothers were sent to �wage homes�; unwed, pregnant women were valuable in providing services as servants and nannies. Once the baby was born, the girl's value was gone; she and her baby became a liability.

Question: Is adoption ever a good solution?

Answer: In some cases, it is necessary. I recently read about an adoptee/priest who searched out his roots and found that his Jewish parents perished in the holocaust. But, before they perished, they had handed their boy over to a Catholic couple willing to raise him as their own. This is a clearcut example of a necessary and loving adoption!

Comment: I can't say that I could never give a baby up. Why? Because I've never been tested in this way. How can I know what I would've done?! I never had to face your difficult situation so I don't know what I would�ve done. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Losing a baby in such a way is a very great loss! And I�m sad that people were � and maybe still are -- indifferent to what you experienced. Adoption obviously has caused many people untold pain, even wrecked relationships! What was done to birthmothers and their babies was horrific�and all the more so because very few people were willing to acknowledge the trauma!

Answer: Thank you for your empathy! Thank you for trying to understand how a birthmother feels. Thank you for recognizing the power of birthmother trauma. Thank you for validating the reality of what occurred!

Comment: You relinquished your baby a long time ago! And you�ve even had a reunion! Why not move on� and stop talking about it?

Answer: What was done to millions of unwed, pregnant women must not be forgotten. We need to prevent this from happening again. (Some people say the Holocaust never happened. What denial!)

Comment: You were pretty. [That�s why the man had sex with you without your consent.]

Answer: Many young women have a reasonable degree of attractiveness. That doesn�t mean they deserve to be raped. Contrary to what you�re implying, rape is not just about sex. Usually, the sex act is based on the rapist�s need for power and control.

Comment: Well, at least you got something out of it [the rape]. You got a child.

Answer: Your comment really hurts me -- if you could only have some empathy for what it was like for me to discover I was pregnant from the rape�some empathy for my unresolved pain in losing my child to adoption! ! !

Comment: Your book should only have covered adoption. You shouldn�t talk about rape and adoption in the same book. They�re two different subjects!

Answer: Why does the topic of rape make you uncomfortable? Please don�t dismiss me because your experience is different from mine. Loss of a child is loss of a child. It is equally painful, no matter what the circumstances were. (I can understand your antipathy, though. A female psychiatrist, speaking at a conference, noted that people in a support group sometimes choose not to empathize with members �whose experiences are disparate.�)