THE SECRET JOKE WRITER OF THE CENTAURI EMPEROR

If you read my resume, you'll notice that my first television credit is for 'One', an episode of Star Trek: Voyager that I wrote the story premise for - but in fact, that show wasn't the first time something I'd written had appeared on television. My first ever contribution to TV SF was actually a whole universe away, on a space station called Babylon 5; but like the Zinoviev Letter, proving my authorship of the this tiny fragment of television history will forever be impossible, thanks to my own mistakes and the fog of antiquity.

Instead, I present you, gentle reader, with this version of events. You have only my word that this is the truth, so as Jack Palance often said "Believe it - or not."

I've never pretended to be anything other than vaguely computer-savvy; I didn't get an Internet connection until the 21st century was well under way, I held out on buying a high-spec computer until my last one was superseded by my wristwatch. I cant even run up anything better than a bare-bones web site, so perhaps it comes as no surprise that back in 1994 I didn't know how to use the Internet. At all. Back then I was still writing on an Amstrad PCW word processor and the World Wide Web was a whole new technological sandbox for me. I've always been a who-needs-to-read-the-manual? kind of doofus, so on one pleasant Saturday afternoon I visited Cyberia, London's very first (and at that time, only) cyber-café to have a bang at this Net thingy. Like most tourists, I blundered around for a few hours, bumping into people who actually lived there and generally making a nuisance of myself until, with my expensive coffee growing cold and my time almost up, I landed on rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.

At the time I had no idea how newsgroups worked; I was just really buzzed by the idea that I could zap a message out to all the B5 fans around the globe at a keystroke. So, I wrote a post, just for the hell of it. I had nothing to contribute, no cool news or hot gossip about the show, and I was about to exit silently when I remembered a gag. Some weeks earlier, I'd been at an SF convention where wed been making jokes about Babylon 5, and I'd come up with a couple of those ubiquitous light bulb gags. So, I reasoned, why deprive Babfans of my rapier-like wit? I typed them in and hit send, and left. Hey, I felt cool I'd just used the future of communication, baby.

Of course, what I didnt do was sign my name to the post, or list an email address or an identity other than Guest@Cyberia Terminal #8 or some such...

So months pass, and I told the joke some more, and ha ha, it was funny and then forgotten about. Season three of Babylon 5 began in the USA, and I went off to another convention, this time in Manchester. B5's creator Joe Straczynski was there too and he'd brought with him some new shows, including episode two of the new season, 'Convictions'. In the story, Centauri Ambassador Londo Mollari is saved by Minbari aide Lennier from a bomb-blast, and the guilt-wracked Londo visits the comatose Lennier in Medlab, spilling his guts about how remorseful he feels. In a vain attempt to cheer him up, Londo tells him this human witticism he's heard:

"I heard a joke today. I probably shouldn't repeat it, but who are you going to tell? How many Centauri does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but in the great old days of Republic hundreds of servants would change a thousand light bulbs at our slightest whim!"

To which I blurted out across a crowded room. "Hey! I wrote that!" Naturally, I spent the rest of the weekend tracking Joe Straczynski around the hotels halls like a bloodhound, intent on questioning the man about said gag was this just a coincidence? A fluke of synchronicity, maybe?

Well, no. I didn't want to come off like a dork, but damn it, I had to know for sure! So, maintaining a degree of professionalism (so I like to think), I asked him where he got the light bulb gag from. Joe explained that Peter Jurasik, the actor who played Londo, was a frequent lurker on the B5 newsgroups and had come across the posted jokes. He'd liked them so much that he told them to the rest of the cast and crew and of course, to Joe. As such, for a touch of lightness in 'Convictions', he'd written it in and there it was.

Says me "I wrote that joke!" without any guile or forethought, and Joe gives me one of those Yeah, Sure, Kid looks. "Well", he added, "It's public domain now, so..." and off he went, leaving me pleased, if slightly nonplussed.

Vir and Londo Later, Joe addressed the gag himself, noting it as a small nod to the on-line fans of the show and heck, he even mentioned me "While in the UK, I met a young man who said that he had been the first with that variation, and I have no reason not to believe him", also admitting that "I don't actually know for certain the origin of the joke; it was all over the nets, and the BBSs, uploaded places with several gazillion other light bulb jokes."

And of course, the man was right. Perhaps, if I'd signed my name to it, he may never have used the gag, and I wouldn't have this anecdote to tell at other SF conventions; and although I've spent just over a thousand words telling you this, I'm sanguine about the whole thing. Honest.

So, what's the moral of this story? Think of it as a cautionary tale of surfing without due care and attention, and if you are a writer, then here's the lesson for you; Don't ever give your work away for free, because then someone else can use it to earn money. Thirty seconds of television = $$$. Ka-ching.

"Ambassador, look what I just found on the Internet!" (Stephen Furst as Vir Cotto, Peter Jurasik as Londo Mollari, Babylon 5.)

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