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Death - The Talking Cure
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Site Autobiography
This site began life on 4th June 2003. On the morning after, I woke at 5.30am unable to sleep, the news of two deaths I'd heard the day before seemed to disturb me perhaps?. As a therapist, my working principle is to try to talk about the experiences that seem lodged in my unconscious, preventing mental rest. So here goes...
Paul's Story Fragment
My wife, Jacky, had a phone call from the mother-in-law of her friend Paul to say he had died last Sunday of heart failure. He was the godparent to Jacky's son. She hadn't seen him in person for over 10 years, busy lives, we often talked of popping in. He would be aged about 40. The funeral is next Wednesday, unfortunately the same day my wife has her GCSE exam in psychology, ( she's a mature student ) Jacky will miss the funeral - how to say goodbyes!.
Hilda
Last evening my mother phoned to say Auntie Hilda died, it was expected as she must nearly 90, I haven't seen her in person for years and won't be attending the funeral. Dad is a priest and has been asked to take the service. Mum said they would visit Hilda's daughter, Gill, to get some information. Gill spoke of Hilda's life being "unremarkable", Mum's angry comment to me was that "she'd been there for Uncle Frank and for Gill, David and Julie, her children". I wondered if Gill felt her Mum had favoured the others or if there was some other family dynamic unknown to us. I started to think how I pictured Auntie. How to say goodbye!
I conceived of a web page where I would do just this, and offer others
( you the reader ) the opportunity to do the same.
By the by, the stories and lives I mourned yesterday will have this small memorial! You may wish to write your story of a loss to commemorate your loved one, send it to me, I may be able to in some way publish it to continue the talking process and pass on the essence of the person to inspire others. Call it online bereavement support, perhaps even in the reading of this your grief has moved on a little?
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Do's and Don'ts
Death and death talk is still in some ways taboo. I work as an independent minister conducting funerals. Often I'm asked if "the grand children are too young to attend" or the family will worry where and how to support their Mum / Dad who is deep in grief.
Here's some of Help The Aged's list ( from Help the Aged's Bereavement brochure )
* Do express your emotions, it won't help to hide your feelings. Talk about what has happened with your family, a close friend or a sympathetic group.
* Do take great care of yourself. Do eat properly. Do rest.
* Do be sure to consult your doctor if your health is a worry.
* Don't let family or friends hurry you into making decisions until you are ready - such as clearing out all your partner's belongings before you are ready to tackle that task yourself.
* Don't allow the funeral to be rushed or overly expersive.
* Don't move home while you are still grieving. You will need time to adjust to your changed circumstances.
* Don't hurry the healing process; take it at your own pace.
KEEP YOUR CONTACTS!
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Other's Stories
Here is the space that your story and talk can take, just email me
Received my first reply - the writer's name is Ceri, and my son is a Ceri too - the story was a heartfelt grief for a mother and I received it on Mother's Day!
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